How to Love Yourself: A Practical Guide

Goodbyes, endings, new beginnings.
Most of all, how to really love yourself.
A full-on roller coaster,
exciting and scary, all at once.

Letting go is so hard!!!!
Isn’t it!?!?
But trying to hold on is even harder.

Almost all the pain in our lives comes
from clinging too tightly.
Clinging to what was, to who we were,
to who we dream of being,
to other people’s approval,
to times that are gone…
and not seeing that it’s time to let go.

Anything you hold on to tightly will hurt when it’s gone.

This is the process, and this is the path we’re meant to surrender to,
even if it sounds like losing control.

People think that if they control everything,
it will make them powerful. It’s the opposite!
When you try to control everything, you lose power.
The only power we have is self-control.
The only victory we have is self-love.

Tal Tal, my beloved podcast partner, is moving on to her next project, and I am letting her go with love. This is also my chance to thank her for her presence and her contribution to this podcast, and to my life as a whole. It has been a great honor to support you as your practitioner for three years, through the meaningful personal work you’re doing in your life.

I’m also honored that those 63 episodes will always be our shared baby.

Now it’s just me and The Truth Hurts (HaEmet Ko’evet), my podcast in Hebrew. Welcome to the solo edition.

The Truth Hurts | Episode 64 | How to Love Yourself
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0EcE1zsETyUChG8SpO1EbB…

Amen. Love yourself. ♥️

Gili Man Wolner

A beginner’s guide to spirituality: how to really love yourself, Episode 64

Introduction: why do we need to love ourselves at all?

Beautiful soul, if you’ve found your way here, you probably feel it’s time to make friends with the most important person in your life: you. So let’s dive into the wonderful world of self-love, and let’s not forget to smile along the way.

Self-love isn’t just another New Age buzzword. It’s the key to a happy, fulfilling, meaningful life. As Gili Man Wolner says, “The way you see yourself affects every part of your life.” It’s like being the director of the movie of your life. You set the tone, the plot, even the soundtrack!

Why now?

Maybe you’re wondering why now is the time to work on self-love. Well, as Gili reminds us, “You’re always exactly where you’re supposed to be.” So if you’ve found your way here, this is probably exactly the right time for you to start this journey.

Life is full of changes, goodbyes and new beginnings. Instead of being afraid of them, you can see them as chances to grow. It’s like upgrading your computer’s operating system. Sometimes it’s stressful, but in the end you get an improved version of yourself!

How do you start?

Step one: get to know yourself again

Before you start loving yourself, it’s a good idea to get to know the person you’re going to love. Sound strange? Maybe, but think about it: how many times have you really taken the time to get to know yourself?

Gili suggests asking yourself: “Who would I be if I had never been hurt?” It’s a deep question, and it can help you discover the authentic version of yourself, the one that isn’t hiding behind armor made of fears and traumas.

Try this exercise: sit quietly for 5 minutes (yes, you can do it!) and think about your good qualities. They can be small things, like “I make good coffee,” or big things, like “I’m always there for my friends.” Write them down. That’s the first stage of getting to know yourself again.

Let go of the past: how to stop being an archive of pain

Now that you’ve started to get to know yourself again, it’s time to tidy up your emotional archive a little. Gili reminds us of a wise Zen teaching: “Letting go is hard, but holding on by force is harder.”

Think about it: how much energy do you put into holding on to old anger, outdated fears or “what if” scripts? It’s like dragging around a suitcase full of stones. Do you really need all that?

Here’s a small exercise that can help: take a sheet of paper and write down everything you want to let go of. Then tear the page into little pieces. It may sound simplistic, but the physical act of tearing the paper can help your brain understand that you really are letting these things go.

Remember, letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. It means letting the past be the past, and not letting it run your present.

Be the director of your life: how to stop trying to control everything

One of the interesting paradoxes of self-love is that the less you try to control everything, the more in control you feel. Gili reminds us that “our real power lies in self-control, not in trying to control other people or outside circumstances.”

Think about it: you can’t control the weather, the traffic or how other people behave. But you can control how you respond to all of it. It’s like being the director of the movie of your life. You can’t control what happens on set, but you can decide how to shoot it.

Try this: next time something annoys you, stop for a moment and ask yourself, “How would love respond?” It can help you shift your response from a place of anger to a place of understanding.

Embrace every part of you: how to stop fighting yourself

Real self-love includes accepting every part of you, even the ones you like less. It’s like loving your family. You don’t have to love every single thing every family member does, but you still love them.

Gili stresses that we need to make enough room inside ourselves for all our parts to exist, even when they contradict each other. That can be challenging, but it’s also very freeing.

Here’s an exercise that can help: think of a trait of yours that you don’t like. Now try to find a situation where that trait could be useful. For example, if you think you’re “too sensitive,” think about how that sensitivity helps you feel empathy for others.

Focus on the good: how to turn your mind into a positivity magnet

Gili stresses how important it is to focus on the good. This isn’t just about “thinking positive.” It’s actually training your mind to look for the good in every situation, and to find it.

It’s like upgrading your brain’s search engine. Instead of automatically searching for everything that’s wrong, you train yourself to look for what does work: the opportunities, the things to be grateful for.

Try this: every evening before bed, write down 3 good things that happened to you that day. They can be small, like “The coffee was especially good,” or big, like “I got a promotion at work.” Over time, you’ll see your mind start looking for those good things during the day.

Build self-respect: how to become the VIP of your own life

Self-respect is one of the important foundations of self-love. Gili reminds us to respect ourselves at all times, in every situation, wherever we are. It isn’t always easy, especially when we feel we’re getting things wrong or failing.

But it’s important to remember that your worth doesn’t depend on outside achievements. You deserve respect simply because you’re you. It’s like being the VIP of your own life. You don’t have to prove to anyone that you deserve to get into the club.

Try this: write yourself a love letter. Yes, it sounds strange, but it can be a very powerful exercise. Write about everything you appreciate about yourself: your achievements and your good qualities. Read the letter when you’re struggling to respect yourself.

Choose positive responses: how to master your responses

One of the important things Gili stresses is that we have the right to choose how we respond to what life brings. It isn’t always easy, especially when we feel attacked or hurt. But that ability to choose our response is one of the strongest tools we have.

Think of it like a video game. You can’t control what happens in the game, but you can control how your character responds. The more you play, the better you get at choosing the right responses.

Try this: next time something makes you angry, take a deep breath and count to ten before you respond. It gives your brain time to move from “fight or flight” to rational thinking.

Be authentic: how to stop playing roles

Gili stresses how important authenticity is in our lives. Instead of trying to be someone else, or to meet other people’s expectations, we should strive to be true to ourselves. That includes understanding our real wants, passions and dreams.

Being authentic is like wearing clothes that really fit you instead of wearing a costume. It can be scary at first. What if people don’t like the real “me”? But the truth is that people respond much better to authenticity than to pretending.

Try this: pick one day when you decide to be completely authentic. Say what you really think (politely, of course), wear what you really like, do things you really enjoy. Notice how you feel at the end of the day.

Develop self-compassion: how to become your own best friend

Self-compassion is a crucial part of self-love. Gili stresses that we need to be gentle with ourselves, especially when we make mistakes or fail. It’s like being your own best friend. You wouldn’t judge a friend harshly for a mistake, would you?

Research shows that people with high levels of self-compassion experience less anxiety and depression, and more happiness and life satisfaction. That doesn’t mean you can’t strive to improve. It means you do it from a place of acceptance and love, not from self-criticism.

Try this: next time you make a mistake, imagine what you’d say to a good friend who made the same mistake. Now say the same things to yourself.

Face your fears: how to turn fear into an engine for growth

Fear is a natural part of life, but it doesn’t have to rule us. Gili reminds us that most of our fears are based on lies we’ve internalized. Facing our fears is an important part of the journey to self-love.

Think of fear like a car alarm. Sometimes it’s warning you about real danger, but sometimes it’s just too sensitive. The goal isn’t to silence the alarm completely. It’s to learn to tell false alarms from real warnings.

Try this: write a list of your fears. Next to each one, write “fact” or “opinion.” Most of our fears are opinions, not facts. This can help you see your fears in perspective.

Cultivate gratitude: how to really love yourself and turn life into a daily celebration

Gratitude is a powerful tool in the self-love toolbox. Gili recommends starting every day with 5 minutes of focusing on the good and on gratitude. It’s like opening the curtains in the morning and letting the light in. You begin your day in a more positive light.

Research shows that gratitude can improve your mood, strengthen relationships and even improve physical health. That doesn’t mean ignoring the hard things. It means noticing the good things too, even when they’re small.

Try this: start a gratitude journal. Every day, write down 3 things you’re thankful for. They can be big (“I’m thankful for my family”) or small (“I’m thankful for the great coffee I had this morning”).

Develop faith (emunah): how to trust the process

Faith is an important part of self-love. Gili talks about the belief that everything that happens, good or bad, is for the sake of our growth. That doesn’t mean everything is pleasant. It means every experience has meaning and purpose.

It’s like reading a book. Sometimes you come to difficult chapters, but you trust that the author will bring everything together in the end. Life is the same: we can trust the process, even when we don’t always understand it.

Try this: next time you face a challenge, ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” It can help you see challenges as chances to grow instead of as obstacles.

Nurture healthy relationships: how to surround yourself with love

Self-love doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Our surroundings and the people around us have a big effect on our ability to love ourselves. Gili stresses how important it is to surround ourselves with supportive, encouraging people.

Think of it like a garden. You want to plant beautiful flowers (positive, supportive people) and pull out the weeds (negative, toxic people). It isn’t always easy, but it’s necessary for your growth.

Try this: make a list of the people you spend the most time with. Next to each name, write how you feel after spending time with them. It can help you see which relationships are worth nurturing and which ones you might want to limit.

Find purpose and meaning: how to give your life direction

Self-love is also connected to finding purpose and meaning in life. Gili talks about the importance of being of value and contributing to the world. It doesn’t have to be something grand. Even small acts of kindness can give you a sense of meaning.

Think of it like a journey. When you have a destination, the road becomes more interesting and meaningful. You’re not just walking; you’re walking toward something.

Try this: think about what you’re good at and what you love to do. How can you use what you’re good at and love doing to help others or contribute to the world? It can be something small, like helping a neighbor or volunteering once a month.

Summing up: the journey to self-love, and how to really love yourself

Self-love is a journey, not a destination. It’s an ongoing process of learning, growth and development. As Gili says, “You don’t win at life by reaching a certain destination, but by loving the path and the process.”

Remember, there’s no single “right” way to love yourself. What works for one person won’t necessarily work for you. The main thing is to be patient and compassionate with yourself along the way.

As the saying goes, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and self-love isn’t built in a day either. But with every small step, you get closer and closer to the best version of yourself.

So go ahead, set out on this journey. Rediscover yourself, love who you are, and watch how your life changes for the better. Because in the end, when you truly love yourself, you’re able to love other people, and life itself, more deeply and meaningfully.

And don’t forget: you’re already perfect, exactly as you are. Self-love just helps you see it for yourself.

How to Love Yourself: A Practical Guide | Episode 64