How to Love Yourself | Healing through Jewish Wisdom

The conversation

You're carrying things that stopped belonging with you a long time ago: an old anger, an expectation that never came true, approval somebody never gave you. Gili explains that most of our pain comes from exactly there, from holding tightly to the past and to what other people think of us. The only real control we have is over ourselves, and trying to control everything around us is precisely what drains our power. Letting go is frightening, but it's the only way forward.

The truth

Most of the pain in life comes from holding tightly to the past, to expectations, or to other people's approval.

Trying to control everything actually weakens you. Real power is self-control, not control over what's outside you.

Before you react in anger it's worth stopping to ask, "How would love respond to this?"

Real self-love includes accepting every part of you, including the parts you like less.

Focusing on the good isn't just positive thinking. It's real training for your brain to look for opportunities.

Self-respect doesn't depend on your achievements. You deserve it simply because you exist.

Questions and answers

Why is it so hard for me to let things go?

In the episode Gili quotes a line from Zen teaching: letting go is hard, but holding on by force is harder. In her words, we put a great deal of energy into holding on to old angers, outdated fears, or "what if" scenarios, and it's like hauling around a suitcase full of stones, a load we don't actually need to carry.

What real power do I have in life, when I feel like I have to control everything?

According to the episode, the only power we really have is self-control. When you try to control everything, that's exactly what makes you lose your power. The real victory, as the episode puts it, is self-love.

How can I tell whether God is really acting toward me with kindness?

The way to check is to look at ourselves and ask whether we know how to let something go when someone wrongs us. If we do, that's a sign we're acting from kindness, and by doing so we draw kindness back to ourselves rather than judgment.

What should I do before I react in a situation that makes me angry?

According to the episode, before you react in a situation like that it's worth stopping for a moment and asking yourself how love would respond, what love would do. If you manage to answer that for yourself and act on the answer, that's a good sign.

Gili's original episode description

A season of goodbyes, endings and new beginnings. A roller coaster at full speed, exciting and frightening, all at once.

Letting go is so hard, isn't it? But holding on by force is even harder.

Almost all the pain in our lives comes from holding on by force. We hold on to what was, to who we were, to who we dream of becoming, to other people's approval, to times that have passed, and we don't see that the moment has come to let go.

Anything you hold on to tightly will hurt you when it disappears. That's the process, and it's the path we're meant to give ourselves over to, even when it sounds like losing control.

People think that if they control everything, it will make them powerful. The opposite is true. When you try to control everything, you lose power.

The only power we have is self-control. The only victory we have is self-love.

Tal, my beloved podcast partner, has let go and moved on to her next project, and I let her go with love. This is also the place to thank her for her presence and for what she gave this podcast and my life in general. It has been a great honor for me to walk beside you as your Emotional Healer for three years, through the meaningful work you've been doing in your life. And another honor is the 63 episodes that will last forever. Those episodes will always be our baby.

Now it's me and the truth that hurts. Here we are, in the solo version.