When a Mother's Love Is Missing

The conversation

You know that you have a mother, and even so there's a longing in you for something that never was. This isn't a mother who died. This is a mother who is there, but not really there: not steady, not giving you safety, not present in the way you need. Gili says you can't demand from a mother what she doesn't have, because she never received it from her own mother either. And that gap doesn't stay in one place. It comes back in your relationships too, in choices you make without noticing why.

The truth

A mother wound isn't only about loss. It can be a mother who is alive but can't be present, steady or safe.

That wound creates an inner voice that whispers you're not enough, and sometimes it shows up in the body itself.

It comes back in relationships: a man looks for a mother in his partner, a woman chooses someone who can't give her what she needs.

You can't receive from someone what they themselves never received. It gets passed down from one generation to the next.

Instead of demanding from your mother what she doesn't have, you can learn to see what is there, the way you'd stop asking for milk at an appliance store.

Every generation is supposed to be a little better than the one before it. That's how we grow.

Questions and answers

My mother is alive, so why do I feel as if I have no mother at all?

A mother wound is a situation where you have a mother who is alive, but she can't be there for you: not steady, not giving you safety and not present in a healthy way. Gili describes it as one of the hardest things there is, and says that it teaches you to choose yourself instead of waiting for recognition from outside.

Why do I try so hard and my mother still doesn't give me what I need?

You can't receive from someone what they themselves never received. If your mother never got love and recognition from her own mother, she has none to give you, no matter how hard you try.

How can I start relating to my mother differently, without faking it?

According to what she says in the episode, it's a shift of focus. Instead of looking for what's missing in your mother and being disappointed again and again, try to see what is there. She tells a parable about a man who goes to an appliance store every day and asks for milk, when it's obvious there is no milk there. It's a choice about what you give meaning to, not a denial of the pain.

How does the pain I still carry with my mother affect what happens in my relationship?

Gili writes that a man with a mother wound subconsciously expects his partner to fill his mother's place, and when she comes with needs of her own he feels threatened and the frustration he has been holding down comes out at her. A woman with a mother wound tends to choose a man who can't meet her emotional needs, because she learned that love comes bound up with suffering and with suppressing what she needs. A healthy relationship is possible only between two whole individuals.

Gili's original episode description

A mother's love.

The energy that can heal everything, and the same energy, when it's missing, can leave scars for a lifetime. A mother's love is the root and the foundation of our lives. It teaches us whether the world is safe or dangerous. Whether we deserve love, or whether we'll have to fight for it.

Almost nobody talks about this, but what happens when you have a mother and she isn't there for you? A mother who isn't steady, who isn't consistent in her presence, a mother who doesn't give you safety.

There are people who get angry, even enraged, every time they think about their mother or hear from her. Underneath that rage there is grief and sadness. Because when you have a mother who is alive but can't be a mother, that's one of the most brutal things there is. It's the ultimate lesson in choosing yourself.

The truth is that few of us were cradled in our mother's arms with love and compassion, with no judgment and no criticism, and that isn't because we have bad mothers. Not at all. They're simply part of the patriarchal society that suppressed them.

They can't hold our feelings, because they were never able to hold their own.

If you ever felt that your mother doesn't love you, then somewhere in there it was probably true. The truth that hurts is that from the moment we were born we've been looking for approval, acceptance and love from our mother. It sounds natural to us, but it's quite possible that you're asking her for something she never received herself from her own mother. How can you expect someone to give you what they never got themselves?

We're supposed to be better than our parents. You're supposed to be better than your mother! You're supposed to be smarter, to make better decisions, you're supposed to behave better! That's evolution.

You can be angry, you can be bitter, but the best thing you can do is to become something your mother never managed to become.

You don't need recognition from your mother to know that you're wonderful! You were born wonderful!

Stop looking for it outside yourself, and stop looking for it from your mother.

Get out of the victim role, let go of the fantasies, take responsibility for your own life. Nobody needs approval from anybody, only from themselves, because the only person who can fill that empty space inside me is me.