One of the biggest challenges of my life was forgiving.
I remember being in the middle of an anxiety attack, shaken by what I was discovering, hearing voices in my head: You’ll have to forgive! You’ll have to forgive! And in the same breath screaming: But how can anyone forgive something like this?? How!?
The amount of rage inside me could have brought down buildings. I blamed everyone, I shot arrows from my bleeding heart, but nothing helped. The situation only kept getting worse.
Every attempt I made to change reality through outside actions left me even more defeated, weak, shattered!
I was the very picture of victimhood, in all its glory.
Full-on Les Misérables.
I won’t go into my cute attempts, which could make a great Netflix script, but they included everything. Go with the wildest thing you can think of, because yours truly even traveled to holy places, lay face down on mineral-rich earth, and even buried crystals! It was all there, but nothing helped.
Only when I surrendered did the change come.
Only when I stopped resisting reality or reacting to it could I understand what was really happening.
Only when I brought the Creator into the picture was I able to truly let go! Let go of the characters, let go of the event… and above all, understand how it’s for my good.
I used to think forgiveness was something you give someone else.
Today I know that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, rooted in our need to forgive ourselves!
Every event that has happened in your life, no matter how horrific it was and how much injustice was done to you, is for your good. Behind every resentment lies a revelation.
Episode summary
In this episode, Gili and Tal discuss unity and forgiveness. They begin with the hardships of the past week, then turn to the challenges of maintaining unity in Israeli society, especially during conflict. Gili and Tal talk about the importance of love and understanding between people, and about how internal rifts and divisions affect the strength of the whole country. They describe the enemies outside who exploit the internal weakness of Israeli society, and stress the need for real unity: unity that isn’t based on trying to change the other, but on truly accepting difference.
They also talk about the role of forgiveness in personal and social healing. They explain that negative emotions such as anger and resentment harm the immune system and negatively affect people’s physical and mental health. Gili shares from her own experience and explains how forgiveness changed her life and improved her health. They stress the importance of inner forgiveness and of releasing inner pain in order to live healthier, happier lives.
In closing, the episode calls on listeners to examine themselves and to strive for unity and love, both personally and as a society, in order to bring about real change and meet the challenges facing Israeli society.
Episode transcript
The episode is in Hebrew. This is a translation of its transcript.
The Truth Hurts (HaEmet Ko’evet), episode 52.
What’s up, Gili?
Good. How are you, Tal Tal?
Totally fine. It was a hard week, but it’s fine now.
They’re shaking us up.
Oy, oy, oy.
It’s like a change in the weather.
It got me thinking, and I’ve been thinking all week. I’m lost in thought, really observing all the time and saying, what tests of faith (emunah)!
Right, wow.
Look how many things.
Our entire existence, everywhere in the world and especially in this country,
depends on love. And everything we’re going through, the protests, the bonfires, the rifts,
the riots, the violence, it’ll finish us.
It’s our end.
I mean, Iran, Hezbollah, Hamas, our Arab neighbors in Judea and Samaria,
they’re all waiting to see us fan the flames between us.
They want to watch the civil war between us intensify. It’s enough to watch the clashes between Knesset members,
the undignified talk that doesn’t respect any of us, from every side. And I say it with a smile, sort of, but honestly, I’m really sad. This is a week when I’m sad. We don’t understand that the worse our civil infighting becomes, the more they’ll tear us apart. It’s that simple, that simple.
We don’t understand the test of unity.
We’re not willing to lift our heads above our position, above what we want, or above our story, and we keep producing dramas and disagreements, and each one sharpens the knife a little more, and in the end there won’t be anyone left here.
The thing is: not right, not left, not secular, not religious. Nothing.
Nothing will be left here.
You know, at the start of the war I was sure it was actually a good opportunity for unity, but it kind of feels like we didn’t learn?
We’re four years in. It isn’t only about the war.
We’re four years into trying to bring unity.
We won’t even talk about corona here, and it’s no accident that Israel led the world in vaccinations. But our only choice here is to learn love.
It’s the only choice.
Love is the only thing that will save us: the kind of love that follows the Creator’s example,
sees the good in another person, and acts with humility. Because in the truth of the truth of the truth, nobody is owed anything. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Nothing.
Even the things that seem most obvious to you.
Nothing is a given. You’re not owed anything, you know?
Once they came to Rebbe Nachman and asked him, “Tell us, Rebbe, how can we help someone who is depressed?”
So he said, “Tell him verses of humility, and he’ll come out of the depression.”
What are verses of humility?
There are verses of humility, verses of humility, there are verses for giving thanks.
There are verses for humility.
And then they said, “Wait, but what’s the point?
The person is depressed.
Why would we give him verses about humility?”
And that’s exactly the point.
You know what the connection is? Depression, or sadness,
is a product of “I deserve,” of “I deserve.”
I apologize to anyone dealing with depression right now.
And really,
I was there too.
Depression comes from the belief that “I deserve more,” and why don’t I have this, and I deserve that, and they didn’t promote me, and they didn’t speak nicely to me.
And they didn’t give me this or that. Stop, stop, stop.
Understand: nobody owes us anything.
The Creator doesn’t owe anyone anything.
Everything we have is extra. Think for a moment and see how calm and relatively good our lives honestly were compared with what we’ve been living through since October 7. And even then we weren’t all that appreciative and grateful. I mean,
everything we understand and learn, we learn in hindsight.
That’s already wisdom in hindsight. Great, well, really, everyone’s a genius after the fact.
But, my dear, hindsight is a mechanism built into us.
Without it, women would never give birth again.
We understand in hindsight, because look what happens.
Everyone talks about unity, everyone talks about unity, we all want unity, but
there’s no unity, because everyone wants the other person to be like them.
No one considers being like the other or understanding the other.
The other side doesn’t either. No one gives up their story.
It’s a bit funny, as if I came and said, “I’m willing to be in unity with you, if you’ll be like me.”
But it doesn’t work that way. That’s not unity, that’s dictatorship.
I mean,
half the therapists out there market themselves under the banner of treating relationships with people who have narcissistic personalities. Fine, but we have to understand
that this pattern appears throughout our lives. You are not the other person, so when you look at someone else, pause before you label them.
Let’s try to reach unity, because being whole (shalem) is bound up with peace (shalom): it means making peace with one another. I love you as you are; I don’t expect or want
you to be like me.
Exactly. I don’t want you to try. By the way, that’s also true for relationships.
Any relationship you’re starting, or that you’re in the thick of,
where the aim
is to change the other side, is doomed to fail.
The idea is first of all to accept the person as is.
Something about him bothers you? Fix it in yourself.
That’s what unity is about: understanding that everything I see outside is actually me. Because look, we’ll have to forgive one another and ourselves.
Every one of us will have to get there.
It sounds crazy.
We live in the reality of 2024. This whole thing sounds a bit medieval.
And in recent years it’s even a trend, like, people relocate.
There were years when people moved to Berlin in droves.
Masses moved to Costa Rica. After the whole Portuguese passport thing, half the Israelis are in Portugal. A whole community in Thailand. But beautiful souls,
forgive me for taking you back to something that sounds a little old-fashioned?
We don’t want another exile. We don’t want another exile. We don’t want to be scattered. But we have to wake up before we blow away like dust. It’s clear that with what we’re
doing,
we’re wasting our strength.
By the way, I want to give
a counterpoint to that, a happy one.
You know there’s been a significant rise in the number of people immigrating to Israel since October 7.
Really, out of Zionism, yes?
Yes, yes. I mean, there’s a counterpoint here.
There’s a crazy counterpoint here. There are crazy percentages, relative to what the average should be, of people making aliyah since October 7.
I mean, there’s a desire for unity here. People are coming here. Forgiveness is essential.
Forgiveness is essential for every one of us on a personal level, too.
Everyone has their own story, and almost everyone has someone or something to forgive. And you know what?
There’s also almost no person who doesn’t feel guilty about something.
We all play all the roles.
Right. Sometimes I’m the victim;
sometimes I’m the one at fault, and we don’t understand what…
We keep judging each other from the same place, instead of stopping this crazy loop.
Because if we keep fighting with ourselves, and we are still fighting with ourselves, our enemies don’t need to do a thing.
They just need to let us kill each other, and that’s the end of the story.
And that’s sad.
Look, beyond that, there’s the matter of forgiveness being essential for healing, too.
In the field of psychosomatic illness, which these days is pretty much everything.
We keep stressing that irritation, nervous tension, condemnation of others, resentment, anger, regret, or hostility
are the factors behind all illnesses.
Actually, it’s clear. I mean,
in my own personal work, I can testify, you know, only about myself, and you’ve been with me quite a bit along this path,
that the moment I started forgiving myself and the people around me, suddenly, you know, the inflammation subsided.
Crazy. Even when you had a very, very justified reason.
There’s always a justified reason, because whoever looks, always finds.
Right. The thing is,
you have to let go. Only when you let go can you really
forgive. Right. The thing is that most of the population thinks forgiveness is something you have to give someone. Forgiveness is something you have to give someone.
And forgiveness, you don’t have to give anyone. You have to give it to yourself, because of the stress all these emotions cause.
The victim mentality, the “poor me,” the “they took everything from me.”
Even if you’re right, brother.
The stress caused by negative emotions directly affects the body’s immune system. It leaves you open to infections, to illnesses, and that’s a shame.
It’s a shame, because in the end you’re giving someone else the power.
What actually is
forgiveness?
Forgiveness is love in action.
We’ve been saying throughout this episode that only love will save us.
One of the expressions of love is forgiveness.
It’s love in action.
The vital ingredient in the art of forgiveness is the willingness to forgive, even if you don’t know how. I mean, if you truly and sincerely long to forgive the other, then you’ve almost cleared the hurdle of forgiving someone else.
That doesn’t mean I have to like the person or feel close to them.
You can’t force me to like someone.
At the same time, and this is the main point, we can love people without liking them, if we bring in
the principle of unity. And the principle of unity says that everything here
is one unified field, and today they’re proving it scientifically.
Go look into it. Read a little about quantum theory.
For anyone who really wants to go deep: one of the leading physicists in the world right now is a guy named Dr. Nassim Haramein. He proves numerically, through research, that this whole universe is one field. And if this whole universe is one field, then I also manifest as my neighbor,
and as my partner’s annoying children. But we have to understand
the basis of the basis of our basis, and return to who we are as the Jewish people, and “love your neighbor as yourself,” “love your neighbor as yourself.”
It isn’t enough to put a sticker on the vision board in your room. My dear, you have to understand it at its core. Because “love your neighbor as yourself,” however impossible it may sound
the first time you hear it,
anyone who truly wants to will be able to do it. To love means to wish someone health, happiness, peace, calm, joy, and all the other blessings of life. Easy?
Not easy? No problem. So look, there’s only one prerequisite: sincerity. What matters is that your intention is sincere.
So let’s get this straight, beautiful souls.
I’m not showing generosity when I forgive someone. I’m actually showing selfishness.
If I understand the true principle of “love your neighbor as yourself,” it’s actually
not that I…
that I forgive you now. I’m selfish, I’m egotistical, I want it for myself, because what you wish for the other is actually what you wish for yourself.
Because when you think and feel something about someone else, you absorb that thought and feeling into yourself. So is there anything simpler than that?
On the face of it, no?
If you understand that there’s no him and me, if you understand that there’s no him and me, that we came here to show the Creator in all His many faces…
Listen, I do understand it, and still there are moments when suddenly you fall back to basics, and the basics are always: if that’s what I saw before,
then that’s probably what will pop up.
Yes, but that’s what will keep you in the loop, love.
You want to stay in the suffering, inside your unforgiveness, justifying the terrible things that were done to you? So I’m asking all of us to aim higher.
I understand what you’re saying. Like you, like me,
it’s not that I love all human beings.
I still have a few people on my list who make me want to reach for a machete.
On a good day, I might even manage an act of kindness toward them. But at a higher level, and all of us are aiming for the higher level,
it’s understanding that we came to show the Creator’s many faces and countenances.
There are other versions of me,
other selves taking form in reality. It’s hard to grasp, because we’re deep in the illusion of separateness.
There’s him, there’s me. But no, brothers, there’s no him and me. There’s us.
There’s all of us.
He is me, and we’re told: focus, look closely,
closely, because it’s you. Who are you angry at? At your brother. Who are you going up against? Against your own home, against your own country, against the people who want what’s good for you. And here the Creator gives us yet another opportunity.
All the time, to return to unity, return to unity, return to unity, return to unity. And we’re wasting our strength.
You know, like it’s written everywhere:
“Our strength is in our unity, our strength is in our unity.” It’s written: “Our strength is in our unity.” It’s like parents teaching their kids, wanting to show them why they need to stick together and be united, and they show them an open hand.
And you show them one single finger: you can break it easily.
But if you close the hand?
It becomes a fist.
Who can break a fist?
I mean, if each of us is for himself, in his ego, in his needs, not seeing the other’s pain,
not seeing the other’s fear, not acknowledging it, then we get hit. We keep getting slapped in the face.
Look, this week, at the start of the week, there was even that business with the young woman, Liri.
I think she’s the sweet one who’s still there.
Whose parents received a…?
Yes, yes, oy, a wreath, like for a grave.
Yes. Now you understand that the war has escalated, escalated.
The psychological warfare.
The war has escalated.
We’re no longer fighting the way we used to fight.
The war is a different war, and this different war started back on October 7.
It isn’t from now. The psychological war,
influencing people, creating disagreements, creating a rift in Israeli society: that’s the source of power of all our enemies.
Now we’re cooperating, we’re cooperating.
We’re full of anger, of rage, of frustration, and we can’t understand why it isn’t over for us now.
The day after this episode, for example, was the one-day Releasing Guilt, Resentment and Anger workshop (in Hebrew), and there’s no one here, no one here, who doesn’t need to forgive someone or something.
If you think you first have to fix the world, you’re wrong. Each of us has to do the work within ourselves.
If you still carry anger, no matter what it’s about, if there’s still a desire for revenge in you,
if you still can’t look at other people and see them as part of the whole, come, come. There are amazing processes there.
Amazing meditations to release you from this pain, down to the level of the cell.
Because we have to remind ourselves gently. Let’s remind ourselves gently, because this really is a tough time.
We’re taking slaps in the face, and the heart sometimes skips a beat in the face of this un-, un-, unbelievable reality, and we need to remind ourselves that we’re a beautiful people,
whole and warm and loving. And if we managed to survive everything we’ve survived, and we’ve survived so much over the generations, then maybe this time, maybe this time, precisely in this round, with the disasters striking us,
as great as the cruelty of the disasters, as great as the force of the grief, the darkness and the pain, so great will be the force of the redemption, the unity we’ll bring among us. Because the message we can bring to the world, and this is our role,
is the message of unity. And if we keep fighting and splitting and tearing ourselves apart, we’ll divide our strength, and it won’t help whether the one in power has a name starting with B, or G, or D. It starts with each and every one of us, because the thought that I’m fine and everyone else isn’t is a bit delusional.
Each of us has only one tool: to cleanse and mend what is within us.
When I see politicians feathering their own nests,
even at a time like this, even at a time like this feathering their own nests, looking after their personal interests, failing to look from a higher perspective and understand that we’re all one,
then I can go out and protest, and maybe it’s fine for me to go out and protest too. But my real work is to sit with myself and ask myself: Gili, where are you acting out of pure ego? Where are you acting for your own personal benefit, without paying anyone the slightest attention?
Because if that’s what I see outside, then that’s what exists.
Now understand: every person is a whole world, every person is a whole world. So our only way to make a change is first of all to reach unity with all the parts of myself: to be whole with all the parts of myself, to meet every part of myself with love and acceptance. It starts with something small: seeing my neighbor going out in red lipstick and a crop top, and I tut in my head and say, ugh,
she’s an attention seeker.
Or…
stop.
Gili, stop. Gili, what are you seeing?
You’re looking at a woman and deciding, in your own mind, that she’s desperate for attention?
Darling?
Where are you, Ms. Gili,
crying out for attention? And then maybe I’ll judge her less.
Maybe I’ll criticize her less. Maybe I’ll look with a kind eye and say, how lucky, at least she’s going out a bit, dressing up, making herself beautiful in this world.
How lovely that you go out like that, happy, that you love yourself, that you look beautiful.
Dial it back, dial it back, dial it back.
In the end, we want to do good for all of us, and doing good for all of us
really means, even in the inferno, holding on to hope. And I very much hope that by the end of this week we’ll get good news. Amen.
Amen.
Amen, amen.
Let’s hold on, all of us, to hope and vision.
Let’s focus and use our consciousness, because I’m telling you,
you can busy yourself with lots of things.
It’s fine for me to engage with someone else’s pain, but I need to limit it, because I’m not contributing.
I mean, if I want to live in abundance, I have no business dwelling on
poverty. If I want to focus on healing,
I have no business dwelling on illness. If I want to focus on unity, I have no business dwelling on evil and division. So maybe it seems humane to engage with poverty and to engage with illness.
But souls, it’s not right, because I want my consciousness to be clean.
I want to hold a beautiful vision in my mind: all our captives
returning safe and healthy, and all of us celebrating Independence Day,
God willing, this year, still in 2024, with all our people here in the country, and we’re happy and rejoicing.
If only.
Honestly, amen, amen.
So this song, in my opinion, is one of the best songs we could sing.
In the background, Margalit
Tsanani, my beloved. I’m crazy about Margalit Tsanani. And notice how it lifts you, and let’s belt it out really loud, loud, because it opens the way for our captives to return.
Imagine them. Listen to the song, imagine them, arriving, and everyone…
…and raise your hands high, high, and be joyful, because a Jew who lives with faith is a joyful Jew. Have a good day, beautiful souls.
A calm, pleasant weekend.