You Fell Hard. Now Get Back Up

The conversation

You're fighting something that has already happened, trying to change it in your mind over and over, and in the end you only hurt more. Gili puts her finger on that exact moment: when you insist that reality be different from what it is, the painful thought only grows stronger and the body gets dragged along behind it. Radical acceptance isn't giving up in sadness. It's simply an end to that argument inside you. And when you let go out of faith rather than out of defeat, room opens up for outcomes you never even imagined.

The truth

Radical acceptance means you stop arguing with what has already happened. It isn't resigning yourself to it in sadness.

When you fight a painful thought it only grows stronger, and your emotions and your nervous system get dragged along with it.

The compulsive need for control is itself what creates the feeling of having no control.

The best things that ever happened to us were almost always the things we didn't plan.

Thoughts that run in a loop are like a fire that keeps lighting itself, and they have a real effect on the body.

Letting go out of faith rather than out of giving up is what opens room for outcomes better than the ones we expected.

Questions and answers

Why does fighting what's happening only make it worse?

That fight takes place inside your own head. A painful thought gives birth to another painful thought, the emotion starts to boil, and your nervous system responds accordingly. Gili describes that stage as one where a panic attack is a real possibility, and you feel it physically. So the damage comes twice over: you have no control over the situation, and your body takes the hit as well.

Why am I disappointed even when things work out for me?

When you insist that something happen exactly the way you pictured it, you narrow the range of what's possible. There's a rigid expectation of how things are "supposed" to look, in relationships, at work, in every area, and that leads to disappointment again and again. Not because things aren't working out, but because they aren't working out exactly the way you expected them to.

Why is it that the very drive for control and certainty is what makes me feel out of control?

The harder you try to hold on to control by force, the more out of control you get. It works the opposite way from how it looks. The same goes for certainty: anywhere you try to force certainty, you get exactly the opposite, because the universe responds to the insecurity inside you rather than to what you want on the outside.

Gili's original episode description

Me: So what now?

The Creator: Someone here is angry.

Me: This doesn't exactly feel like blessings raining down on me right now. It feels like sewage, and pardon my language, but all the shit is rising to the surface.

The Creator: And what's the problem with that?

Me: It stinks. It's wet and filthy and it's spilling out.

The Creator: But you wanted it to come out.

Me: Not like this! I feel like I'm losing control.

The Creator: What's so bad about losing control?

Me: It's frightening and it wears me out.

The Creator: You're fighting. That's what frightens you and wears you out.

Me: So I should surrender? That's frightening too!

The Creator: But it takes less out of you. What frightens you is your resistance and the negative meaning you attach to what happens in your life.

Me: So what am I supposed to do with that?

The Creator: Stay calm. Accept it all, everything that comes. I don't hear you complaining about the good things that happen to you, do I?

Me: Obviously not.

The Creator: What did you do to bring those good things about?

Me: I did my part and I held on to the faith that it would happen.

The Creator: Then what's stopping you from doing exactly that now?

Me: My rational mind is running wild. None of this makes sense to me.

The Creator: True surrender takes courage and faith, and it isn't something your mind can grasp. It goes against logic.

Me: So I should throw out logic?

The Creator: Go around it. Don't try to arrange everything in your head.

Me: So are you saying my thoughts are pointless?

The Creator: The ones that repeat themselves come from insecurity. You're trying to get certainty and control over something you can't control, and that deepens the insecurity, and around it goes.

Me: Wait, wait. So you're actually saying that my need for control and certainty is what makes me feel out of control and uncertain?

The Creator: Exactly. And it also blocks the possibility of miracles.

Me: Wow! How did that happen?

The Creator: You have an expectation that things will work in a particular way, and that expectation blinds you. You don't notice that you are getting what you want, just not necessarily your way.

Me: What does that have to do with miracles?

The Creator: When you cling to one particular outcome, you don't let me surprise you. There's no room for miracles.

Me: Honestly, all the best things I ever got in life came without my planning or expecting them. It really was like a miracle.

The Creator: Exactly! It's your responsibility to move, to try, to learn, to create, to bring things into being. But also to let go! To know how to trust, to act out of faith, and then it turns out even better than you expected.

Me: So it isn't sewage dripping on me? It's actually confetti?

The Creator: It all depends on how you interpret it.

Me: Ha, that's playing a little dirty, isn't it?

The Creator: You're the one who asked to clean things up. Ha.

Me: I get it, I get it! So my job here is to get clear about what I want and to give myself over to whatever comes, even when it looks less than good to me and I don't know how or how much or why?

The Creator: You woke up sharp today!

Me: Of course. It's the confetti…