Boy Takes Girl | Healing through Jewish Wisdom

The conversation

You know exactly what isn't working in your life, and still something keeps pulling you back to what's familiar. Gili Man Wolner says that isn't an unwillingness to change. It's the subconscious doing its job, holding us in the place we already know, even when that place isn't the best one for us. She draws a line between pleasure, which arrives in the moment, and happiness, which in her view comes only from an act of love toward someone else. And when a heart breaks, she sees in it not only pain but a real opportunity to grow.

The truth

Stepping out of your comfort zone takes real courage. The subconscious will always pull us back toward the familiar and the known, even when the familiar isn't what's best for us.

Self-discovery is a journey, not a race. You're allowed to slow down and let the view move you, but you have to keep going.

Happiness and pleasure are not the same thing. Pleasure is what I take for myself. Happiness is what comes from an act of love toward someone else.

A baby is born selfish and learns gradually, through trial and error, that there is more satisfaction in giving than in receiving.

A real calling has to serve you and the people around you at the same time. It isn't selfishness, and it isn't letting people take advantage of you either.

Human beings are social by nature. You can't live without connection and human warmth, even if you've been hurt in the past.

Questions and answers

I have a steady, secure job, but something in me says to leave it and start something new without knowing what comes next. How do I deal with that?

Gili explains that there is no point in life at which we know everything about ourselves, and new parts of us will always come to light. When something changes we get frightened and try to hold on by force, and that is exactly the point that calls for the courage to let go and set out into uncertainty again, so that we can discover our real nature.

What does a man really want from a woman?

An ultra-Orthodox counselor quoted in the episode says that a man doesn't want one particular thing from a woman. He wants a happy woman, one who is connected to her own inner energy. Authenticity is the key. A woman who acts out of genuine desire rather than out of an attempt to please him is what really draws a man in.

Why is it that exactly when my heart breaks, things I thought I had settled years ago suddenly come up, and how is that even good for me?

Gili says that heartbreak, which usually follows a separation, brings up the pain of love that was cut off, or of shame. It is precisely in that break that something deep in the soul opens, and out of it you can grow and rebuild yourself. It's an opportunity to clear old memories and limiting beliefs out of the subconscious.

Gili's original episode description

Being in a state of joy matters in Judaism, and that's no accident. Before all the mitzvot (commandments), the author of the Tanya says this:

"First of all, let a person rejoice and be glad at every time and every hour, and truly live by the faith that God gives him life and does good for him at every single moment."

What is the Rebbe saying? What comes first of all? Be joyful! That comes before everything else!

It's a huge mitzvah, and it's magnetic too, because who doesn't want joyful people around them. It's also known that the Divine Spirit (Ruach HaKodesh) doesn't rest where there is sadness, and that the Shechinah (the Divine Presence) loves joy. When you're sad, the Shechinah withdraws from you. Look at small children. They're joyful and they look like angels, because the Shechinah hasn't withdrawn from them yet. They haven't lost their innocence. Be a little innocent yourselves. Try coming to things with innocence, and don't be afraid to love, because love is the answer to everything, and that holds for every relationship, including the one with your children. It doesn't matter what is going on with your child or how difficult they are. The answer is to love them, and if you already love them, love them more. Give unconditional love. It solves every problem. The same goes for your partner.

That's also the best advice I have to give you about relationships: give plenty of love, and don't be afraid to be yourselves, truly yourselves. It's the fastest and best way to know who is right for you and who isn't.

You didn't come here to satisfy other people, and if that's what you're doing, you can be sure you'll fail. You're here to express yourselves, to bring yourselves out into the open, to find what makes you unique and bring it into the light. That doesn't mean it will sit well with everyone, and it doesn't have to please everyone. Some people will even push back against it. So what? Don't sell your values and your dreams in order to be liked. It's an illusion, it's playing pretend, and in the end your heart will be crushed.

Authenticity is the magnet that draws the right people into your space. Authenticity. Not people-pleasing.