Change Your Story, Change Your Life

The conversation

You try one method after another and still find yourself in the same place. According to Gili Man Wolner, that happens because people start with strategy without first changing the story that holds their whole life together, a set of beliefs you repeated so often that they became the glue holding together everything else you believe. Those beliefs run your emotions, and the identity you built for yourself is the strongest force there is. It's the thing that decides whether you'll move forward or stay where you are. Which is why real change happens when you act in exactly the place where you're certain it isn't possible.

The truth

Complexity is the enemy of execution. To move, you first have to simplify.

A story is a belief we repeated until it became the glue that holds all the other beliefs together.

There's no point jumping to strategy before you understand which story is stuck at the base. The strategy arrives on its own the moment the story changes.

The exact same opening, "life is…", can be a burden, a test, a dance or a party, and you feel the difference in your body.

Identity is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves, and that's what turns a one-time failure into a permanent identity.

Most inspiring stories move from slavery to freedom. Not necessarily actual slavery. Sometimes it's being freed from a frightening relationship.

Questions and answers

Why should I stop and change the story I tell myself before I even start thinking about how to carry it out?

Because if you're stuck and you haven't made the change in the past, there's no point starting with strategy. First the story and the beliefs have to change. Once you understand what you want and why you want it, the strategy arrives on its own. Changing the story means changing the beliefs, and that is the thing that actually runs our lives.

Why is identity the strongest thing there is about us?

Because the most powerful element in human identity is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves. Identity runs the results in your life. It can lift you up or take you down, and if you define yourself as a "failure," for instance, you'll keep acting in line with that identity.

Why can't you be a hero without facing difficulty?

Because the classic human story, the one whole cultures are built on, is always a move from a place of slavery to a place of freedom, sometimes literally and sometimes simply being freed from a frightening relationship. Without overcoming something there's no real self-worth, and you can't become the hero of your own story.

Gili's original episode description

Complexity is the enemy of execution, and one of the tools for dealing with that is changing your story, because the story you tell about life is what will determine what your life looks like.

A story is a set of beliefs we've told ourselves a whole lot of times. By the way, anything you say with conviction, and say often enough, people will believe. Hitler said that. Today we're our own Hitlers. Anything said with conviction and repetition eventually becomes a belief. The story is like the glue of all the beliefs. It's the soundtrack of your life.

So what do you tell about yourself? How many sad things? How many good things you could be grateful for? Your life story is a collection of limiting beliefs, and there's a good chance they weren't yours to begin with. And still, the story you tell yourself is the glue that keeps you stuck.

Then people want change, and change is a great thing. The trouble is that people jump straight to strategy, meaning to how to do it. But sweetie, if you haven't done it before, how would you know how to do it? Of course you need a strategy! But it's a mistake to start there. Strategy is pointless if you're stuck. If the story changes, the strategy will come. If you understand what you want and why you want it, you'll understand how as well.

Your stories won't get you anywhere! Just the opposite, they weaken you! All the stories and the excuses: I don't have the money, the time, the ability, I don't have the energy, and all that garbage we sell ourselves. That's us oppressing ourselves. The philosophy should be: if I can't, then I must. And start immediately with action that matches it! Life won't change if you keep doing the same things. You have to do something that's hard for you, something that brings up resistance. That's where muscle grows.

When you change the story, you change the strongest thing that runs all of our lives: our beliefs.

Focus your thoughts on good things that have happened to you. Everyone has a story of divine providence (hashgacha pratit). Start with that and flow from there. The slogan is: change your story, change your life.