Can You Change a Toxic Environment?

The conversation

You feel bad in a certain place, and you're not sure whether the problem is you or the environment. Gili suggests thinking about it the way you'd think about a plant that isn't flowering: you don't blame it, you check whether it needs more sun or less water, and you move it. A toxic environment changes us far more easily than we change it, and even a good person can go downhill in the wrong place. The first question is where you are, not what you did wrong.

The truth

A toxic environment is a subjective feeling, not something you can measure in a study. It's different from one person to the next.

The sign Gili points to: when negative behaviors happen routinely with no consequences at all, and nobody ever questions them, it has already become the norm.

She illustrates it with a potted plant that isn't flowering: you don't blame it, you check its environment and you change it.

A toxic environment will change us far more easily than we'll change it. A good person can go downhill in the wrong place, and the reverse is true as well.

Gili warns against getting used to it: like a bad smell you stop noticing at a certain point, you can get used to toxicity too, without noticing.

In her view it's a personal responsibility to keep checking where we are and to ask whether this environment is good for us: at work, with friends, or even at home.

Questions and answers

How do I know if I'm in a toxic relationship?

It's a subjective feeling, not something measurable. The main sign she names: negative behaviors that happen routinely, with no consequences, until they turn into an accepted norm.

Every time I say something my mother doesn't want to hear, she hangs up the phone and doesn't answer me for days. Is that so terrible that I'd want to pull away over it?

Gili describes behavior like that as genuine trauma. She compares it to telling a person, "You're worth nothing, you don't exist." Parents who use silence as a punishment need to stop. She also says that when someone, even family, damages your mental health over and over again, setting boundaries can help, and sometimes distance really is the healthiest answer, even when it hurts.

Am I allowed to cut off contact with a family member who is toxic for me?

In the episode, yes. There are situations where it's permitted and even right to pull away from a toxic family member. Blood may be thicker than water, but your mental health matters more. She recommends trying to set boundaries first, and only pulling away if there really is no other choice.

What do I need to do before I cut off contact with someone in my family?

First you do the inner cleaning work, because the toxic environment reflects your own fears and wounds. After that you can choose: accept the person as they are, or say that you can't stay, given the pain it's causing you.

Gili's original episode description

A toxic environment can come in all kinds of forms. Toxic relationships can show up at your workplace, with your friends, and in your family too. It's sad, but that's the truth, and as we've said, the truth sometimes hurts.

A toxic environment isn't really something you can measure. It isn't empirical research, because it depends on a subjective feeling and it's different from one person to the next. That said, if you're in an environment where negative behaviors happen routinely, without anyone even questioning them, then that's the standard and that's the norm, meaning that's the accepted way of doing things. Chances are you're in a toxic environment, if only because there are no consequences for those negative behaviors.

If you walk into a room that has a bad smell in it and you stay there, at a certain point it stops smelling. Why? Because you end up getting used to anything. Don't agree to get used to anything at all, and certainly not to garbage! It's our responsibility to keep checking where we are and to ask whether this environment is good for me or not. Being in a toxic environment, and it doesn't matter whether that's a workplace, friends or your partner, will destroy you. And if there are any dreamers in the audience who think they'll change the environment, here's what I'll tell you: chances are much higher that a toxic environment will change you than that you'll change it. The proof: you can take a good person and put them in a bad environment, and that person will do bad things. And the reverse too. You can take someone who's nothing at all, put them in a supportive, encouraging environment, and they'll turn into a good person and even a leader! Which means the environment is critical.